Why Do I Forget Things That Are Important to Me? ADHD, Object Permanence and the “Now vs Not-Now” Brain
Updated: Sep 2
Have You Ever Forgotten Something Important?
Not because you didn't care.
Not because you were being lazy.
Not because it wasn't a priority.
It just... disappeared.
A Personal Example
I once completely forgot to reply to an email about a special get-together. I was genuinely excited about it. When I finally realised, I felt awful. Guilt hit me immediately. I knew my friend had been waiting for my response. My brain jumped to wondering if I had upset them. Hello, rejection sensitivity!
The Next Wave of Panic
Then came the panic: Was it too late to reply now?
The thing is, I absolutely intended to respond.
Every time I remembered the email, I wasn't in a position to give it the attention it deserved. I'd think of it in the middle of the night when I was already in bed. Or while I was driving. Or halfway through something else. I'd tell myself, "I'll do it later."
And then later never happened. The thought simply vanished into the "not now."
Forgetting Things Doesn't Mean You Don't Care
The "Now" and the "Not Now"
For many neurodivergent people, especially those with ADHD, time often feels divided into two categories: "now" and "not now." If something isn't happening right now, it can be surprisingly hard for our brains to hold onto it.
Some describe this as a form of object permanence difficulty. Traditionally, object permanence means understanding that something continues to exist even when it can't be seen. Many ADHDers use the term to describe how things slip out of awareness once they're no longer directly in front of them.
The Email Wasn't in Front of Me
The email wasn't in front of me.
The task wasn't happening right now.
So my brain filed it away somewhere inaccessible.
We Think We're the Problem, But...
Some of us interpret experiences like this as proof that we're disorganised, unreliable, or careless. We worry that forgetting means we're not good friends, professionals, or capable adults.
But over time, I've learned something different. Forgetting things doesn't mean you don't care.
Forgetfulness often signals that our brains are carrying a lot.
ADHD, stress, anxiety, trauma, burnout, parenting responsibilities, caring responsibilities, work pressures, life admin... the list goes on. When our minds juggle hundreds of competing demands, things can fall through the gaps.
That doesn't mean we don't care.
It doesn't mean we're lazy.
It doesn't mean we're selfish or inconsiderate.
It means we're human.
And sometimes humans forget things.
Working with the Brain We Have
One thing I've learned through my experience and supporting others is that we need to work with our brain rather than against it. If something is important, I either need to do it while it's fresh in my mind or schedule it for a time when I can give it my full attention. Otherwise, there's a very real chance it will disappear into the "not now."
External Tools and Support
When my brain feels full, I lean heavily on external supports:
Reminders
Alarms
Calendars
Sticky notes
Digital task lists
Voice notes to myself
Not because I should remember everything.
But because I know I don't have to carry everything in my head.
Reducing Shame, Blame, and Anxiety
I've also learned that reducing shame is just as important as improving organisation. The more we criticise ourselves for forgetting, the more mental energy gets consumed by guilt and self-blame.
How Therapy Can Help
Sometimes therapy can help with this too. Not because therapy magically fixes forgetfulness, but because it can reduce the overwhelm, anxiety, shame, and mental clutter that make everyday life feel harder than it needs to be.
When we create a little more space in our minds, there's often more room for the things that matter.
So if you've forgotten something recently, pause before you label yourself lazy, careless, or disorganised. Ask yourself:
"Is my brain carrying more than it can comfortably hold right now?"
You might find the answer is yes.
And if it is, perhaps what you need isn't more self-criticism.
Perhaps what you need is a little more support, understanding, and compassion.
Finding the Right Support
Finding the right support can make a world of difference. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore these feelings. It can help you understand your unique challenges and develop strategies that work for you.
The Importance of Connection
Connecting with others who understand your experiences can also be incredibly helpful. Sharing your stories can lighten the load. You might find that others have similar experiences. This can foster a sense of belonging and reduce feelings of isolation.
Exploring New Strategies
Consider exploring new strategies for managing forgetfulness. This might include mindfulness practices, time management techniques, or even creative outlets. Each person is unique, so it’s essential to find what resonates with you.
If Any of This Sounds Familiar
I'd Love to Hear From You
What's the funniest, most surprising, or most important thing you've forgotten lately?
And what helps when your brain feels full?
Rachel Dowling, Neuroaffirming Therapist at Taking Care Counselling
Late-diagnosed ADHD-er, Autism parent, and counsellor, supporting neurodivergent adults and parents with a gentle, sensory-safe, tailored approach to therapy.
👉 See if you'd like to work with me online:
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