Forgetting Things Doesn’t Mean You Don’t Care – “Now vs Not-now” and Object Permanence
- Rachel at Taking Care Counselling
- Jul 2
- 3 min read
Have you ever forgotten something that was actually really important to you?
Not because you didn't care.
Not because you were being lazy.
Not because it wasn't a priority.
It just... disappeared.
A personal example:
Completely forgetting to reply to an email about a really special get-together that I was genuinely excited about and looking forward to. When I eventually realised, I felt awful. The guilt hit me immediately. I knew my friend had been waiting for a response and my brain instantly jumped to wondering whether I'd upset them (hello, rejection sensitivity!).
Then came the next wave of panic: was it too late to reply now?
The thing is, I absolutely intended to respond.
Every time I remembered the email, I wasn't in a position to give it the attention it deserved. I'd remember it in the middle of the night when I was already in bed. Or while I was driving. Or halfway through something else. I'd tell myself, "I'll do it later."
And then later never happened.
The thought simply vanished. Into the "not now".
Forgetting Things Doesn't Mean You Don't Care:
The "Now" and the "Not Now"
For many neurodivergent people, particularly those with ADHD, time can often feel divided into two categories: "now" and "not now". If something isn't happening right now, it can be surprisingly difficult for our brains to keep hold of it.
Some people describe this as a form of object permanence difficulty. While object permanence traditionally refers to understanding that something continues to exist even when it can't be seen, many ADHDers use the term to describe the experience of things slipping out of awareness once they're no longer directly in front of them.
The email wasn't in front of me.
The task wasn't happening right now.
So my brain filed it away somewhere inaccessible.
We think we're the problem but...
Some of us can interpret experiences like this as evidence that we're disorganised, unreliable, careless, or simply not trying hard enough. We worry that forgetting things mean we're not a good friend, a good professional, or a capable adult.
But over time, I've come to understand something different. Forgetting things doesn't mean you don't care.
Forgetfulness is often a sign that our brains are carrying a lot.
ADHD, stress, anxiety, trauma, burnout, grief, parenting responsibilities, caring responsibilities, work pressures, life admin... the list goes on. When our minds are juggling hundreds of competing demands, things can fall through the gaps.
That doesn't mean we don't care.
It doesn't mean we're lazy.
It doesn't mean we're selfish or inconsiderate.
It means we're human.
And sometimes humans forget things.
Working with the brain we have
One thing I've learned through my own experience and through supporting others is that we need to work with our brain rather than against it.
If something is important, I personally either need to do it while it's fresh in my mind or schedule it immediately for a time when I know I'll be able to give it my full attention. Otherwise, there's a very real chance it will disappear into the "not now."
External Tools and Support
When my brain feels full, I lean heavily on external supports:
Reminders
Alarms
Calendars
Sticky notes
Digital task lists
Voice notes to myself
Not because I should be able to remember everything.
But because I know I don't have to carry everything in my head.
Reducing Shame, Blame, Anxiety
I've also learned that reducing shame is just as important as improving organisation. The more we criticise ourselves for forgetting, the more mental energy gets consumed by guilt and self-blame.
How Therapy Can Help
Sometimes therapy can help with this too, not because therapy magically fixes forgetfulness, but because it can help reduce some of the overwhelm, anxiety, shame and mental clutter that make everyday life feel harder than it needs to.
When we create a little more space in our minds, there's often more room for the things that matter.
So if you've forgotten something recently, perhaps before you label yourself lazy, careless or disorganised, pause for a moment and ask yourself:
"Is my brain carrying more than it can comfortably hold right now?"
You might find the answer is yes.
And if it is, perhaps what you need isn't more self-criticism.
Perhaps what you need is a little more support, understanding and compassion.
If any of this sounds familiar,
I'd love to hear from you.
What's the funniest, most surprising, or most important thing you've forgotten lately?
And what helps when your brain feels full?
Rachel Dowling, Neuroaffirming Therapist at Taking Care Counselling
Late-diagnosed ADHD-er, Autism parent, and counsellor, supporting Neurodivergent adults and parents with a gentle, sensory-safe, tailored approach to therapy.
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